evolving

I think that there is an evolution to becoming and being a woman. Throughout our lives, what it means to be a woman at certain ages can translate into many forms. I struggled with what I wanted to be during adolescence, just as most girls do. I never felt quite "right". I was a chubby, pimply, glasses wearing pre-teen. It wasn't pretty. I won't let my husband see pictures from the "bad years." I developed insecurities and self doubt that remain with me today. However, today I know that those insecurities are far less important in life than I did back then.
I was always "one of the guys" and I didn't know how girly I really wanted to be. I liked dressing and looking nice but I didn't like being "prissy". I don't think that I was all that different from most girls. During my first year in France though, I found myself. I found an acceptance of who I was and how I looked. It was amazing!!!

me Washington DC summer of 2000

After my first year in France, I came home for a few months in the summer to finish up two classes at UNCW. My parents were living in Springfield, VA at the time and I took advantage of the close proximity to DC to be a tourist in my own country. The photo above is how I looked at the beginning of the summer. I had kept my beachy look throughout that first year in France - long hair, fairly relaxed clothing etc.... I felt good about myself. I was thin without being consumed with my weight. French women had taught me how to appreciate what God had given me. I was on an adventure that I had created for myself and I felt strong.

me and my brother, Paul summer of 2000

During those two months, back home at Wrightsville Beach, I realized that I wanted a dramatic change in my appearance. A change that could mimic how much I had changed on the inside. Being home made me appreciate the challenges that I was facing while living in a foreign country and how scary it can be. Being home made me appreciate the differences in cultures and helped me to see that French women are at an advantage - French men like women for who they are. Here in the States, we are too consumed with being thin, pretty, rich and well organized. It's quite fake. I laugh at the expression on my brother's face. He was probably telling me that I was being too girly or something like that.

I returned to France with my short hair, renewed and appreciative for the life I had. I jumped into my life in France like I hadn't before. I think my hair was weighing me down. My girlfriends seemed almost relieved to see me return with a new appearance. I looked more like myself they said.

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My hair is long again and i've been thinking about cutting it short. My cousin's wife recently cut her hair short and we bantered back and forth on facebook about how I looked in France and how liberating it can be to cut your hair short. I've worked at growing my hair out. I like it long and Mark really likes it long. Maybe I just need a change. Maybe it's time to evolve a bit. I'm heading into a new chapter in life. I'm finished making babies and having so much fun raising my little men. I'm working on liking my appearance again after 11 long months of struggling to lose baby weight. I feel strong again. Maybe my hair is weighing me down.