There is a time when it's okay to be just okay. To say that i've been struggling these last couple of months would be an understatement. I only write about this part of life because I know it helps for me to read about other women that struggle, too.
This morning I sent this e-mail to Mark:
I feel defeated to say that I’m only going to run the half. My body however is doing a little happy dance. I don’t want to run 19 miles on Saturday. I was great at 13 last Saturday. I’m depressed. There is no way around it and making myself run the marathon is probably complicating things. I’m switching to the half. It will be better for me. It will be better for my mood and my time. It also bums me out to say that I’m not going to do the whole thing. Being Type – A really sucks sometimes. I don’t exactly know why I’m depressed or how I got here but I know it’s real. I know that there are a lot of things that I want to change and I sometimes feel like I’m drowning. I’m not really happy these days that I don’t know why. It isn’t you or the kids but it’s something. Please don’t worry – it’s not you. Your job is a part of it and my job is a part and on and on and on. I have no answer to fix it but I will fix it. Somehow. For now, I’ll switch to the half. I don’t think my body can do the full. I feel defeated.
I started to see a pattern in my mood and ability to handle life when my mileage got over 15 miles for my long runs. There was no excitement about getting out there at 5 am to pound the pavement. My initial idea of 5 am runs was to give myself the only time I had to get back in shape, lose weight and start feeling better about myself. So, like the Type A that I am, I decided that training for a marathon would be a great idea just one month after starting regular activity. Keep in mind, I hadn't been running since I got pregnant with Nolan. In the beginning, I didn't mind getting up at 5 am to run. I needed some time for myself and I could easily fit in 3, 4 even 6 miles. Since the long runs are on the weekends, I thought it would be great. "16 miles on Saturday morning" made me feel strong. Life picked up and "real" things got piled onto my plate and now i'm drowning. The crazy thing.... my body is not ready for a marathon. My knees swelled up and bruised last Saturday (they are still swollen and one is still bruised). I have a groin pull that hurts so bad, it wakes me up at night. My feet.... they are UGLY. I have rub burns on my back from my fuel belt that keep opening up and bleeding. Most importantly, I have an enormous amount of anxiety about running now. No enjoyment. None.
So, i'm switching. I will run but it won't be 26.2. It will just have to be okay.
The being depressed part... i'm working through that. Too many factors contributing that aren't fit for the blog. I'd appreciate some prayer and good "joojoo" if you can spare.
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2 comments:
sending some prayers AND some good "joojoo", just for good measure.
it probably doesn't help, what with the Type A and all, but just because you're doing the half now doesn't mean the full is out of the picture forever. You need to save some goals for next year, right?
Thinking of you, friend. xo
thank you, Kate! After my first marathon, I said I wouldn't do another and that I was better suited for a half. I just need to get past all that pride. I know that 13.1 is pretty good too :)
Ariel
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